Stupid, But Funny If You See It ...

The British comedian Eddie Izzard has a humorous bit in one of his acts about the "Heimlich Manuever". The following transcript doesn't do it justice, but you will catch the drift.

"If you’re in a restaurant and you’re choking to death, you can say the magic words “Heimlich Maneuver.” If you’re just coughing and got some air – Hey – you say, “Heimlich Maneuver,” and all will be well.

The trouble is ... it’s very difficult to say “Heimlich Maneuver” when you’re choking to death. Yeah.

“*coughing* [muffled speaking]”

“Your hymen’s been removed?”

“No no. [muffled speaking]”

“You need it removed – right – ” I don’t know how you remove a hymen. Ummm, but, uh, yeah.

No, the "Heimlich Maneuver" – developed by Doctor Heimlich who woke up one night ... obviously ... and went, “A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha … lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Vake up, Hilda!”

“Oh, vot is it, Doctor Heimlich?”

“Vy are you calling me 'Doctor Heimlich'? I’m your husband, for God’s sake! Loosen up – don’t be so bloody Prussian!”

“Vell, vot is it, *Gunther*?”

“I haff invented a maneuver!”

“Vot are you, a bloody tank commander now?”

“No! My name iss going to be famous in restaurants!”

I don’t think he actually did it that way. I don’t think it was a *snap* – wing and a prayer – I think he – he must have experimented!

He was German! Organized!

“Ok, Hans, I vont you to zwallow zis golf ball…”

“Pughhh…*cough* I cannot breathe!”

"I know you cannot breathe. I vill now make you breathe vis ze cunning use of …” Pughhh! (a blow to below the belt)

“Ugghhh…*cough*…*barely whispers* I still cannot breathe!”

“Ok, maybe not, maybe zis vill vork – ” Pughhhhh! (a blow to the top of the head)

“[muffled] Jesus Christ!…”

“Ok, zen maybe viz a frying pan…” Pow!… (a blow with frying pan to the top of the head)

“*cough cough*”

“Must be a combination.” Pughhh pughhh! “No, ok – ” Pughhh! Pughhh! (a blow with a fist below the belt, then a blow to the head with frying pan)

“Ok, two frying pans – ” Pughhh pughhh pughh pughhh! (repeated blows to the head with two frying pans)

“Frying pan in ze bullocks – ” Pughhh pughh pughhh!

“*pained whisper* Bullocks ... stop – ” Pughhh! (Hans is doubled over)

“Frying pan – ” Pughh pughh pughh pughh pughh – poghh wooooh!…kughhh… (Frying pans to various parts of the body ... Hans drops to floor)

“Ohhh ... he’s dead.”

Other doctors going, “How’s it coming along, Doctor Heimlich?”

“Vell, not very vell at the moment. It’s ... vell ... it's – not really a maneuver at ze moment. It’s more of a gesture.”